real world boys...

Going out to clubbing sounds great and fun, but what if you have a piece of you wanting to get a guy where you think they'll remember your name and will definitely call you and saying I love yous over and over again just because they say you're different from the other girls... well that's all peachy keen bull$%^&!

there is NO guy so gorgeous, so great, so romantic that you can get from clubbing, the only the that you'd get out of him is his dance moves and his smoking breath snog!

They say french boys are just to die for... well not in Indonesia where all of them are nothing but AssH$%^s! a rare mix they are, most attractive accent they got, the most gorgeous look they have... but things can't be perfect! what's worse they are all just the same! they'll say things that you want to hear, they'll say the things that makes you fall hard to them!

The only way to not fall for them, well just dance with your girls! have fun with them! dance on the table! dance on the stereo! It's so much more fun when you're with your girls, though just make sure you're with someone who can take care of you or vice-versa! Don't let guys think you're easy, be a bitch on a dance floor and you'll win the stage! :)

... and that's just a little piece of the real world!

Ela's wedding day... it was so golden and red all over the place, it was beautiful and magical because it's my second wedding i went for where I actually know the person. Weddings in Jakarta has always been beautiful but maybe the only reason that this one was more special because Ela is my family friend :)

Seeing her getting married I thought and wonder what would my wedding day be like? would it have people who I love come and see me with a dreamy gown and a fairytale wedding? It's all looking perfect and I wanted to know who would be the "one" sitting next to my bridal chair?

On the other hand, the wedding was fun because I went with my two friends and his mom and my mom too

You'll be suprised what you can get when you least expect things to happen your way!

For the past month I have cried for something that isn't worth my tears, nothing worth much as my precious tears.. that's what Grafy said... and I figure she was right! I wanted so much from someone I ended up hurting myself, letting go is a hard thing to do but after I let go it feels so much better!

I let go by listening to party music which always hype my day up with happiness and besides that I have found new friends who are mature enough to understand my problems well enough than my high school friends, of course they'd be because they have seen it and experienced them, and what is so nice about them is that they want me to hangout with them if I'm alone. I don't want to listen to love songs anymore but now I'm starting to be ok with it. As I let go, things starts to clear up in my eyes, things may not be better yet, but it I can tell something is happening and it is for a reason that I may not know why, it hurts at first but it's for the best.

short note :)

When you know you're about to cry or you are angry listen to hyped up songs, talk to your bestfriend(s) about it, talk to your friends for some fun and jokes, entertain your self (technology and internet!), go out, watch a movie, go to the gym, and there are so many more things that you could do!

Though the best remedy is to smile, whatever you do. Think positive and think about how anything or anyone is not worth as much as your precious tears and emotion, save them for someone you truly care for. The less you do it the better you feel everyday.

Life is not perfect. Life is short. Use your time wisely, make the right choices, take handle of your own risks from the choices you have made, enjoy the littlest things, don't rely on others too much, be independent no matter who you are with you control your own life!

Metaphors...

Like a teddy bear you used to cuddle every night, it has seen you cry and laugh. Don't throw it away, just put it somewhere you can still see it as you grow older.

A flower may die after several days or weeks or months, but they will always grow back if you keep giving them water.

Like you baby blanket or hankie, it has wrapped you to make you feel warm, it has been wet because of your tears, it has covered your face because you felt embarrassed and or laugh.

When you look at the time, you just can't believe how things have changed and you tend to look back on what have you done to make such chnages.

Like snowflakes falling from the sky, it's so beautiful but there will be more snowflakes falling by the time it hits to the ground.

A butterfly flew by its own effort to flap its wings after they changed from a caterpillar.

Like a drug, once you taste you become addicted and you don't realize which things are wrong or right anymore and when you try to stop it kills you inside out.

Diamonds are hard to find, too expensive to buy and hard to destroy. If you ever have any, you can only have a few.

Glows in the light, silent in the dark, like petals carried by the wind, it rains when you least expect it, living like a flower, has different colors and only one is the best, it only blooms are a certain time...

Roses cannot bloom from a tiny seed into rose petals the next day

He has been happy this month... but is it real? is it an obsession? or is there something wrong within the perfection?

"roses cannot bloom from a tiny seed into rose petals the next day, it has its own natural steps, otherwise it wouldn't be right"

This is just a metaphor I just thought of to describe the point I'm trying to say.

Have you ever changed within a month only because someone came into your life? What if the changes are not the changes that others feel negative about? Would realize them without no one telling you about it?

Some one very dear is starting to change into someone I do not know and I wish do not change, even their sibling sees this as well (at last). Although there is some of their old self in there somewhere and sometimes they would show themselves while they are with their sibling or me. I hope things maintain that way, otherwise it would be such a waste if they are changing into a worse person or into someone who would not have any friends just because of the 'someone' else. Time will tell whether they are a good person or not, I do not wish for them to be hurt, but I do want them to feel hurt to learn from the mistake they made and realize what they have done wrong.

Right now they feel like on top of the world but everyone around them sees it differently. The other 'someone' has said something not caring about them which I think they don't know about which means now I can predict what will happen to them soon or later.

I wish I could open their eyes to think with both their heart and their brain because right now they are blinded by 'love', I said to someone close to me that you have to think with both your heart and your brain but when one of them is blocked you will not be able to think right.

I have been hurt so many times by being rejected and dumped. I have never dumped anyone and I have never rejected anyone for a negative reason. I have learned how to see who is the real nice person and who isn't, now I chose to stand down and to wait because I don't like fights and I don't like losing friends.

I miss you! I will always be there for you! But if you don't listen to me, if you don't take anything that I have said then feel the pain that I had, it won't be as much but it doesn't matter because it is still pain you will have to carry. When that time comes there will be a point where I won't be right there for you. I have told you this way long ago when you still think with your brain and heart, your choices are yours to make but make sure they are the right ones!

i woof u...

Murder In The Dark...

Murder In The Dark...

My very 1st actual photo shoot by Grafy Mitchell with a standard camera <3

The idea came about since things started to change in the past two weeks, its complicated but it has been in my imagination. No I do not want to kill someone, although strangely I have wants to do so, then I let it out on pictures. I wasn't trying to send any message to that person but it was something to let my feelings out.

The story behind the photo shoot is about an innocent looking girl who turns out that she carries anger in her which makes her a psycho murderer.The story is kind of blurry because there is not much story about it :P so basically she changed and for some reason she has been bitten by some sort of sadistic fanged 'thing'.

There is another album of someone else's that may be the same although in these photos, I wanted it to be different that the other one and seem better and it did come out better because of the brutal scene of make up (3 finger scratches, bites on breast and blood spreading half of the neck).

Things will never go as what it seems

Have you ever had someone who you love so much that you would do anything for them? What if things change unexpectedly? Would you want to change it back?

So many things have gone up and down like a roller coaster in my life, for the past 3 years I have seen joy and pain of other and my own. Laughter and tears all at the same time, I was there to see it and hear it. Laughter wherever I go with my heart jumping around up and down and heartbeat so fast I could feel my excitement happens most of my everyday life. But when changes happens and the victim was me, I couldn't help but feel just like a heavy rainfall with thunder clapping next to me. My mind was filled with such rage that all I could think of was how to get back at them, such mind that was contaminated with hatred.

What am I? I'm not that pretty girl next door or some popular chick who goes to every club every weekends and get what they wanted every time, I'm just a girl trying to get a normal life and be happy for it but it seems that normal life has a for like being a popular girl. Every girl has their bitchy moments, mine happens when I'm alone so nobody would be able to see and my bitchy moments doesn't affect anyone directly. I do believe the saying "what goes around comes back around"although I don't do it by my own hands, i let time flies and see it happens to whoever have had hurt me in the past though letting go the feeling at the first place before let time decides is already a hard thing to do. Right now I stand with other people who are so much more mature than I am, starting from now I want to follow them, be friends with them and learn what I couldn't learn from the past and start to look in to the future. A butterfly can learn how to flap their wings when they just got out from their cocoon. When things get into my mind all I have to think is that I am independent, I can get new friends and I do things for my life with my heart. :)

i cant sleep, i cant eat... though i dont wnna let it out on someone or something :(

If i'm in a bad mood, well theres a reason and effect to it.

the reason could be...

- someone provoked my anger

- im friggin hungry

- my grades are low

- well negative things.

and the effect could be...

- i get selfish

- cant be bothered to do anything

- angry for no reason to or at someone

- and well basically the things that i would regret...

sooo i thought of it and i really need yoga and meditation, thats why i really want to go to celeb fitness soo bad coz they have a class there. but till now i still cant, so th only way that i can get these things out of me is just to write it all out, like what im doing right now. i mean im not gna say names or anything, i just have to let all my feelings out, and that its not like ppl hu noes me will see this, all i know this is going to the WWW but doubt that ppl wud see blgger stuff.

i dnt like being angry at ppl, and when ppl are angry or in a bad mood i tend to be in a bad mood aswell, ok so maybe a little to much of influence but atleast not influence of personality.

and another way is to listen to music, maybe a hyperactive or a dance songs for me, if its a rock song, i tend to be sooo angry and if its a sad song i tend to get moody even worse.

im not gna share any stories here, coz i think its way personal and i wouldnt really risk it.. but i would share my feelings.

ok fine im a baby, im scared of the dark especially black out. im also scared of being alone like physically and mentally. if im at home and theres nobody home with me, i tend to freak out sooo easily. and if theres a black out i wud cry if ppl are just sleeping even next to me, ppl has to stay up and talk to me until i go to sleep or till the lights are on.

Write a story with me...

This life is perfectly unfair... its called real world (scum world) sometimes I feel like I'm trying my hardest to do the right thing.. but it seems that i ended up doing the wrong thing. 

Of course i cant blame them, because maybe i am doing something wrong :S so i think i would want to release all this by going to the gym at least twice a week and I'm actually starting to write a story... AGAIN! :D

At BIS, there was a summer (optional) task to make anything we want, it was called 'extended study', basically make your own thing based on your interest and activity during summer, so i thought if I'm not doing anything during the holidays why shouldn't i? and so i did, i made a book. 

the 1st book i made was during the last term of me in year 8 and the 1st term of me in yr 9 (grade 7 and grade 8). my 1st book was called 'friendship lasts forever', i know it sounds corny and all but i used to love talking about friendship so much before i see the real world. what the story is about? i forgot but all i know is about a new girl finding new friendship and fixing old ones. i didn't win for that, but ALL the mentors (including the ones who wasn't suppose to mentor me) liked it and saw a different me, even other teachers thought i was great for doing so. how i got the idea of this book was from the friendship idea of the book called 'present snatcher'  or i think it was something like that :S

second extended study,  i also made a book but this time was about friendships and relationships, i wasn't really into it because... i haven't experienced 'L-O-V-E' this book was made the end of term of year 9 until the 1st term of year 10. again.. i didn't win for this and i didn't like that yr's extended study, there were less ppl to participate and less known by the school. whats worse, there was no more extended study the following year.

Ans so... I love books, reading them and writing them :) i still remember when i was little i used to cut out pictures and turn them into my own story, not long and not that good, but it was basically full of imagination of a little girl.

So, i thought that i should start to write a story again, and finish when i say and think it is finished, just to let my stress out of my mind. the story is basically about how life will never have an end, things will never have an end, it may be solved for the first time, but it'll come again like a loop.

Well at first, the title of the story is called 'The unfinished story' but then i thought of it, it was too corny for something that i make myself, so i just thought of what one of the characters would say and there it was, i found my title,which is called 'Write a story with me...' 

I just finished some the intro of the 1st main character called Lana-rose Hart and this time, my book will look and sound more novel-ish than the previous books Ive made, i will say the details of what the character see, just like in a novel :) 

exams...

seriously... ive never had an easy cheat exam week :p

in BIS i cannot even or dare to drop my pen or cough or sneeze... once i make a move or make a noice, evryone is so paranoid they look at me like im an alien :S teachers are coming back and forth each table rows, peeing needed to be guarded by the teachers, bags arent allowed to be in the class, pencil casses has to be visible, no papers allowed, no translator/dictionary allowed, not allowed to leave the room without permission, not allowed to leave the room until the end of the examination time... OMG!